Repay
Every time I brought up about me wanted to have a job and gained a lot of money with my dad, he always says don't worry about it. I can pay for things that you want. Deep inside I have two thoughts. Is it because I never actually know how to be independent? Or was it because he had this conservative mind where woman was not supposed to find their own money? You know, the normality in society where a guy; son, husband, brother, whatever it is, that they were the one that supposed to find wealthiness for women in their life. He did say to me that he didn't expect me to be in his life when he's old, he imagined that even at 70, he will still working for himself and my mom. To afford things for both of them.
But it's just weird. Because as any other child, I had the desire to pay back things, to repay their kindness for making me a woman that I am today. I'm not a perfect daughter that they once wished for, and I know I can never get to give back all the things that they gave to me. But you know, if I can't repay their kindness by half of it, even a part of it is enough. Okay back to the story, so all this time, I know my dad didn't want anything from me. You know, he's like this stubborn old man that refused to accept their child's money. He saw how I'm struggling in university, he's the one that picked me up when I got so sick. He's the one that helped me move out from my apartment, carrying 6 big bags on his shoulder and take 9 hours journey bus to my place, and another 9 hours home. I forgot sometimes to love him. I kept thinking about a man that will never see me, while my dad had always love me from the day I was born. He accepted me as his daughter the way no other people can accept me. I don't deserved all this kindness, because all I know is be this moody teenager that yelled at everything he said, even now; when I am a mature woman. I still yell at him, and I blamed it on my mood, my hormone, whatever the hell I can blame on. And if I didn't get to give him expensive thing and good foods and beautiful vacation, I know I'll be damned. I know I will have a break down, because I couldn't get to do that with my grandpa. I didn't get to give him money from me working my ass off. I want to do that, badly. Less than a year I'll start working and half portion of my salary will belong to my parents. That's my promise.
But then. I call my mom yesterday. And you know, I'm glad that nowadays we always talk about my issues. She's willing to listen and I'm so grateful for that. She changed a lot for me. For her broken daughter. And she said something yesterday that brought me to writing this. She had a similar opinion like my dad, and when she said it, it made me change my perspective on what my dad said to me. She said that she didn't want to burden me. She understood the weight that I carried for four years in university. She said she knew how hard I'm struggling, and she had faith in me because even after what happened, I still with my decision to finish my study. It's a lot, and all this had a lot of effects on me. My body was affected by it, physically and mentally. And after I graduated, she said it's okay if I didn't get the job that is suitable with my course, if I got a job with small salary, she's fine with it. If I didn't work? She's fine with that too. And I think I was utterly speechless by that. And I understand my dad's point now. He had the same meaning as what my mom said, maybe he just didn't deliver it the right way or maybe simply I took it the wrong way. I don't know what to say to what both my parents said to me. But as a daughter, damn my anxiety, I'll try to work this out. No matter what, I want to give them money from my hard work. I know that, and I hope the universe is not against my idea.
But it's just weird. Because as any other child, I had the desire to pay back things, to repay their kindness for making me a woman that I am today. I'm not a perfect daughter that they once wished for, and I know I can never get to give back all the things that they gave to me. But you know, if I can't repay their kindness by half of it, even a part of it is enough. Okay back to the story, so all this time, I know my dad didn't want anything from me. You know, he's like this stubborn old man that refused to accept their child's money. He saw how I'm struggling in university, he's the one that picked me up when I got so sick. He's the one that helped me move out from my apartment, carrying 6 big bags on his shoulder and take 9 hours journey bus to my place, and another 9 hours home. I forgot sometimes to love him. I kept thinking about a man that will never see me, while my dad had always love me from the day I was born. He accepted me as his daughter the way no other people can accept me. I don't deserved all this kindness, because all I know is be this moody teenager that yelled at everything he said, even now; when I am a mature woman. I still yell at him, and I blamed it on my mood, my hormone, whatever the hell I can blame on. And if I didn't get to give him expensive thing and good foods and beautiful vacation, I know I'll be damned. I know I will have a break down, because I couldn't get to do that with my grandpa. I didn't get to give him money from me working my ass off. I want to do that, badly. Less than a year I'll start working and half portion of my salary will belong to my parents. That's my promise.
But then. I call my mom yesterday. And you know, I'm glad that nowadays we always talk about my issues. She's willing to listen and I'm so grateful for that. She changed a lot for me. For her broken daughter. And she said something yesterday that brought me to writing this. She had a similar opinion like my dad, and when she said it, it made me change my perspective on what my dad said to me. She said that she didn't want to burden me. She understood the weight that I carried for four years in university. She said she knew how hard I'm struggling, and she had faith in me because even after what happened, I still with my decision to finish my study. It's a lot, and all this had a lot of effects on me. My body was affected by it, physically and mentally. And after I graduated, she said it's okay if I didn't get the job that is suitable with my course, if I got a job with small salary, she's fine with it. If I didn't work? She's fine with that too. And I think I was utterly speechless by that. And I understand my dad's point now. He had the same meaning as what my mom said, maybe he just didn't deliver it the right way or maybe simply I took it the wrong way. I don't know what to say to what both my parents said to me. But as a daughter, damn my anxiety, I'll try to work this out. No matter what, I want to give them money from my hard work. I know that, and I hope the universe is not against my idea.
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