Recovery

Almost a year since I wrote this note! It's crazy how far my life has been. There's a moment where I thought I wouldn't make it, but here I am. Still going strong. There's ups and downs in a year timeline. When I feel better, I will wake up in the morning and go to class. Be a normal person. This semester, I nailed my quiz, my assignment, my lab task. Not as good as other people but I made some major improvement. I didn't miss any of my quiz, my attendance is almost 100% for most subject (except psychology 😂), and I wouldn't say the same thing happened in early 2017. I'm proud of my journey, maybe I'm slower, maybe I tend to crawl instead of walking, but it's better now than 2 years ago. There's still day in my recent life where I stay in bed for 3 days, barely eat, barely do anything, just sleep. And I never admit that to other people because I was ashamed. But I'm proud when in days that I only stay in bed and sleep, that I still keep believing in myself. That after days not showering, I started to get up and made decision to wash my greasy hair, to change my sweaty clothes, because I have belief in myself that bad days always have ending to it. I know there will be people that don't understand, like how did I ended up like this? What's event that left me so broken that I ended up being different, from normal people. I wish I can explain it, but even with this letters, this alphabets, I don't think I can create a sentence that describe how I feel, how painful it is. I can never explained to you how all of this started, why I behave this way. But all I can say is I know that I'm not the person that I am 5 years ago. It takes me time to accept that, to accept myself. I have pain that I can never tell anyone, I have my painful experiences with people that left me broken that I never spoke until now. It's not simple, and sometimes until these days I still remember it, remember the pain. It's mistakes that I did, along those people too. I forget most of them, but the remaining sometimes still left me traumatizing at night. There will be noises in my brain that I can never shut, but in the end, I am here, I've become something else and the only responsibilities that I have now is to accept myself. The one that I am now. I need to learn slowly that it's okay, in the end even when I feel like there's no hope, it will end. It will always end.